Throwing off fear

“Oh Father, what am I so scared of?” This was my cry to the Father on the morning of February 2^nd, the second day of our Annual Thailand Conference. I had long been wrestling with the decision about what I will do next year—return to America or stay in China with my organization’s University Teaching Program—and it was now coming to a head. During the fall semester, the Father had been revealing to me the joy of serving Him here in China. I had the growing sense of purpose that I was created to be a teacher, and I was practically bursting with the love I felt for my students. He was giving me a passion for telling His story like I’ve never experienced before in the States, and my heart was breaking for the Lost who did not know Him. Yet, something was holding me back—a hesitancy that crept around my heart and gripped it firmly. Questions like, “Well, what about graduate school?” and “What about your family?” or “What about your friends?” began to slink into my mind. I started to look at what other people my age were doing—getting married, finding jobs, having children—and I began to think, “Well, I desire those things, too, Father.” Thus, I found myself at a stalemate—half of myself wanting to stay in China, but my other half clinging desperately to the things that I thought would provide me with comfort, security, and control.

Flash forward to February 2^nd. “Oh Father, what am I so scared of?” This was the first time I had put this label of “fear” on my fretting. I’ve never thought of myself before as a fearful person, but somehow I knew that fear was what was at the root of my vexing, anxious heart. Fear—a lack of trust in the Father’s goodness, in His plans and purpose for my life. And I knew that this fear was not from the Father.

Later that morning during our Fellowship time, we had time to talk with the Father individually. I again brought to Him the same question that I had written in my journal that morning, “Why am I afraid? What is with this fear?” Then, something strange happened. It was like I was sitting there talking to the Father, and then all of the sudden I began thinking about this picture, almost like a daydream, and somehow I acutely knew that it did not come from my own head.

I was suddenly thinking about digging. I was thinking about a shovel sinking into dark, moist earth, trying to reach a spring of water that I knew was somewhere below me. I was digging a well, and I had a feeling that this well would provide nourishment and refreshment not only for myself, but also for many other people. It was important that this well be dug. But as I was digging, I came across a large stone in the ground—too big and heavy for me to lift out by myself. I couldn’t get around the stone no matter how hard I tried. The sense of urgency for this well to be dug—for the sake of the thirsty, for my own sake too—grew heavy in my chest. I knew that I could not do this on my own. I needed help removing this obstacle. That’s when I sensed His voice saying to me, “Ask me to take it away.” Without hesitation, I asked the Father to take away the stone—to take away my fears, my doubts, my anxieties—and almost immediately, I felt light, unburdened, at peace, and free. And with that freedom came a joy that I could not contain that was bubbling up inside of me—a complete joy and a peace about staying in China that had been lacking for so long.

Not thirty minutes after this happened, I was approached by our City Team Coordinator who asked to talk to me about staying in Harbin next year. As I listened to him sharing his vision for our city—for his heart for these people and for the work that has been, is being, and will be done—the sense of joy grew until I could hardly contain myself. I was bursting at the seams with this desire that the Father had placed in my heart!

Ever since that day, the Father has been so gracious to confirm in me that staying in Harbin next year is, indeed, what He desires for me. It’s been scary at times, I’ll admit. After I returned home from conference, I faced my toughest fear and doubts yet when I told my family about the Father’s plans for me. All of the joy that I had felt up until that point began to fade as I truly realized how this decision would affect those closest to me. Before I knew what was happening, I found myself wanting to go back to America and hoping that He would change His mind about His plans for me. For weeks, I wrestled with this. But no matter how I rationalized the decision and made excuses about being able to be in America next year, I couldn't shake this feeling that staying in Harbin is His will for me. I feel like the Father finally brought me to a point where He was asking me, "Lauren, will you still do my will, even if it's not what you feel like doing right now?" It was one of the rare times that I felt my will and emotions clashing with His will because, usually, I feel like He communicates to me about His will by giving me a sense of peace and joy about the right decision. However, this time, I felt like He was asking for obedience FIRST before the joy would come back... and that's exactly what happened! I realized that I was being disobedient to Him in dragging my heels after so clearly hearing His voice, and when I finally sent in my commitment form, this wave of peace washed over me! He has been SO faithful in this experience, even when I have wavered. There aren’t enough words to describe the joy He's given me after stepping out in faith with Him, and I am excited to see what His plans are for the next year! Greater things are to be done!

If you’re still reading this massive post, bless you. And thank you. I hope that this has been encouraging and edifying. Together, let us throw off the fear and doubts that so easily entangle. Let us run our race with perseverance. Let us fix our eyes on the Son and follow Him—no matter where He leads us.

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on the Son, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of the Father. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”