A Remembered Truth and a Decision

Some of you may know that this past semester, I was wrestling with the decision about what I would be doing next year:  staying in China or returning to the States.  Technically, I will have fulfilled my minimum contract commitment with my school after this semester, but minimum is the key word there.  Much of my wrestling was over the question of the Father’s will:  I knew at times what I thought I wanted to do, but what did He want me to do? I still loved what I was doing here, but during the times last semester that were more challenging, when I was tempted to despair, I also thought, “Well, why couldn’t His will be for me to return home?  I could serve Him there, too.”  I became increasingly scared of making the wrong decision, of missing His voice, of taking a wrong turn. I sought Him, but for a long time, I felt like there was no clear answer.

When I was back home during the month of January, I made a point to explore options for serving in the States.  I talked with some awesome people and got to hear about ministries that seemed to fit my niche perfectly.  I spent lots of time with family and friends and thought, “This could be my life… like every day.”  And still, through it all, there was a lack of peace.  The more I thought about leaving China, the more my heart broke, but I was torn between that and other desires I had:  the desire to be near my family, the desire to see my friends on more than just a Skype screen—to actually do life with them, the desire to one day join them in new stages of life that they are entering in.  And there was still that fear of making a wrong choice.  It became so strong that it almost paralyzed me.

During my last weekend in Alabama, I described how I felt to Kayla.  I was detailing both sides of my decision and the various reasons why I was worried and torn, when she asked me a question that stopped me in my tracks:  “Lauren, have you apologized to Him for the way you are acting?”  (Leave it to Kayla to ask me exactly what I need to hear, in a way only she can.)  I was speechless for a moment and then a let out a small laugh.  She was right.  The way I was acting was not reflecting glory on the Father.  In my worrying, I was essentially saying, “I don’t trust You to be there, no matter what decision I make.  I don’t trust that You are sovereign and that what You have for me is good.”  The more I reflected, the more I realized that my heart had believed a lie—the lie that if I had made a mistake, that He would be disappointed in me, that He would withdraw His presence from me.  But He never forsakes us!!  He already knew what decision I was going to make, and He would not be surprised!  If I did happen to “make a mistake,” His grace would already be there, waiting for me.  He has the ability to work all things out for His glory and my good.  As I realized (or rather, was reminded of) these truths over the next few days, a peace came over me like I haven’t felt in months.  I truly believe that all of my wrestling over this decision was worth it to be reminded of who He really is!  There is nothing more precious than those truths!

I left home at the end of January and was still undecided as I went into the first few days of leadership meetings before our Annual Thailand Conference officially commenced.  It didn’t take long to feel His leading.  As I talked with other leaders about our work and our outreach, a growing giddiness bubbled up inside of me.  It was a feeling I’ve come to recognize during the last few years as the joy that comes from knowing that I am exactly where the Father wants me, doing exactly what He has created me to do.  I thought to myself: “What have I been thinking?!  I LOVE teaching!  I LOVE my students and Chinese friends!  I LOVE this work I have been called to and feel such deep purpose from it!  My life and China are like two puzzle pieces that fit together.” Through a series of conversations with other teachers and mentors, I felt that sure confidence of knowing what I needed to do:  commit to staying in China again next year!

There are still a few unknowns, but I do know that I will be staying in Harbin!  Who would have thought that three years ago, when I made my way to the “Ice City” from hot, humid Alabama that the Father would give me such a heart for this place that I’ve willingly decided to stay in -20F temps!  Ha!

Thank you for those of you who were lifting me up during this decision process!  Having you walk alongside of me in this journey is such an honor.  I hope this post has encouraged and inspired you to trust His goodness, His sovereignty, and His never-failing, unstoppable love for us.

Desert Soul

My team is currently doing a study by Tim Keller during our Word time together.  Throughout the past couple of weeks, I have been continuously convicted, especially during the week when we talked about idolatry.  In a country where people display statues of gods in homes or offices, it’s easy to think that idolatry has not crept into your own heart; however, just because there is no tangible, golden statue doesn’t mean that idolatry isn’t present.

One day while I was preparing for our study, this truth hit me right in the gut as I scanned down the list of possible areas of idolatry in our lives… there’s power idolatry, approval idolatry, comfort idolatry, control idolatry, work idolatry, achievement idolatry, materialism idolatry, family idolatry, relationship idolatry, image idolatry… and that’s only a sampling.  Idolatry is defined as having an excessive, inordinate desire for any of these things—many of which are good things.  However, whenever they become the best thing, we’re in the danger zone.  For me personally, I never realized how much approval from others—be it in relationships with friends or family, in my studies, in my work, or most recently in relationships with students—has given me a disproportionate sense of worth compared to where my true worth is found:  in the Son. 

Today I was reflecting on this truth as I was listening to a band that my teammate, Kelley, introduced me to—The Rend Collective Experiment.  (I highly recommend them, by the way!)  They have a song that I love called “Desert Soul,” the chorus of which really encourages me:

"All that I am is dry bones without you, Lord, a desert soul.  I am broken but running towards you, God.  You make me whole."

As I listened to those words, I realized a connection with what we had been studying about idolatry:  if we can replace the words “Lord” or “God” in these verses with anything else… if we need something else for these statements to be true, then we are dangerously close to serving idols.  Only He can satisfy us.  All other things that claim to give wholeness only offer counterfeit, short-lived fulfillment.  

The words of the Father to idol-ridden Israel still have a painfully relevant ring for us today:

“Hear, O my people, and I will warn you—

if you would but listen to me, O Israel!

You shall have no foreign gods among you;

         you shall not bow down to an alien god.

I am the Lord your God,

         who brought you up out of Egypt.

         Open wide your mouth and I will fill it.”

                           --Psalm 81:8-10

He promises to fill us, if only we would but look to Him for our satisfaction and not to foreign gods, if only we would hear the steady beckoning of the Perfect Father: 

“If my people would but listen to me,

         if Israel would follow my ways,

how quickly would I subdue their enemies

         and turn my hand against their foes!

Those who hate the Lord would cringe before Him,

         and their punishment would last forever.

But you would be fed with the finest of wheat;

         with honey from the rock I would satisfy you.”

                           --Psalm 81:13-16

He gives PERFECT satisfaction.  Why then, do we so quickly turn to things that can never compare to what He offers?  What person could possibly give us the love that trumps the love He gives?  What human recognition or praise could compare to the approval we receive from Him?  What earthly pleasure could come close to the joy and pleasure of intimate relationship with the Creator of the universe? 

Are we neglecting the “honey from the rock”?  Are we running to Him to quench our desert souls, or are we turning elsewhere for imitation wholeness, only to be left thirsty?  May we forsake whatever idols have crept into our lives and be filled by Fullness Himself!  May we seek the One in whom we can find true, abundant life!

“The lions may grow weak and hungry,

         but those who seek the Lord lack no good thing.”

                           --Psalm 34:10

My Cup Overflows

Our Father is a good Father.  He goes before us, He provides for us, He knows our every need before we even know that we need.  Here are just some of the evidences of His goodness this past week as I returned to Harbin:

1. Coming home to a familiar place.  My friend Jodi’s old apartment where we came to see her all of last year is now my home! 
2. Not only coming home to a familiar place, but a familiar place that was stocked with basically everything I needed, which meant less money and time spent getting settled in!  (Thanks Jodi!)
3. Having our wonderful team leaders, the Schmidts, as my next-door neighbors on one side, and my awesome teammate Kelley on the other!
4. Spending the day with my old Chinese tutor from HEC who came to visit me on Saturday!
5. 5.  Meeting our new families, the Wylies and the Fergusons (plus their ADORABLE kids) on Saturday and enjoying several team dinners together since their arrival.  Nothing better than living out Acts 2:42, is there?
6. Getting to serve my new teammates by babysitting the precious kiddos mentioned above, as well as joining in with their play times (I’ve “eaten” several imaginary sandwiches and declared many an empty cup as the most tasty “smoothie” I’ve ever had in the past couple of days.)
7. Having an awesome City Team gathering on Tuesday and getting to share vision and lift up this city as a community.
8. Beginning our team building Wednesday morning and getting more and more excited about the group of people that the Father has knit together for our team this year.
9. Our friendly FAO (foreign affairs officer) helping us take care of everything we need… from visa stuff to bank cards to housing questions to getting us FREE Chinese classes offered by the university!
10. Finding out our schedules today… and seeing that I’ll be teaching Writing to Juniors, as well as some Spoken English classes this semester!

He has been opening my eyes to the little mercies He constantly showers down all around us.  May we never grow tired of giving thanks—instead, may our lives be characterized by perpetual thanksgiving and trust, for:

“The Father is my shepherd, I shall not be in want.

     He makes me lie down in green pastures,
He leads me beside quiet waters,
     He restores my soul.
He guides me in paths of righteousness
    for His name’s sake.
Even though I walk
    through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
    for You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff,
    they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
    in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
    my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me
    all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Father
    forever.”

 

A view from our apartments.

We had to stop on the way to dinner one night so that the kids could peek in on a karate class.

Olivia saying "hi" to a little Chinese girl, which sent her into a fit of giggles.

Windows rolled down in a taxi=crazy hair.

The beautiful sunset on Wednesday night.  Check out the Ferris wheel from the Harbin Amusement Park!

Just a little glimpse of what playtime looks like for Team HEU.

Ni hao from 哈工程大学!  (Harbin Engineering University)

Throwing off fear

“Oh Father, what am I so scared of?” This was my cry to the Father on the morning of February 2^nd, the second day of our Annual Thailand Conference. I had long been wrestling with the decision about what I will do next year—return to America or stay in China with my organization’s University Teaching Program—and it was now coming to a head. During the fall semester, the Father had been revealing to me the joy of serving Him here in China. I had the growing sense of purpose that I was created to be a teacher, and I was practically bursting with the love I felt for my students. He was giving me a passion for telling His story like I’ve never experienced before in the States, and my heart was breaking for the Lost who did not know Him. Yet, something was holding me back—a hesitancy that crept around my heart and gripped it firmly. Questions like, “Well, what about graduate school?” and “What about your family?” or “What about your friends?” began to slink into my mind. I started to look at what other people my age were doing—getting married, finding jobs, having children—and I began to think, “Well, I desire those things, too, Father.” Thus, I found myself at a stalemate—half of myself wanting to stay in China, but my other half clinging desperately to the things that I thought would provide me with comfort, security, and control.

Flash forward to February 2^nd. “Oh Father, what am I so scared of?” This was the first time I had put this label of “fear” on my fretting. I’ve never thought of myself before as a fearful person, but somehow I knew that fear was what was at the root of my vexing, anxious heart. Fear—a lack of trust in the Father’s goodness, in His plans and purpose for my life. And I knew that this fear was not from the Father.

Later that morning during our Fellowship time, we had time to talk with the Father individually. I again brought to Him the same question that I had written in my journal that morning, “Why am I afraid? What is with this fear?” Then, something strange happened. It was like I was sitting there talking to the Father, and then all of the sudden I began thinking about this picture, almost like a daydream, and somehow I acutely knew that it did not come from my own head.

I was suddenly thinking about digging. I was thinking about a shovel sinking into dark, moist earth, trying to reach a spring of water that I knew was somewhere below me. I was digging a well, and I had a feeling that this well would provide nourishment and refreshment not only for myself, but also for many other people. It was important that this well be dug. But as I was digging, I came across a large stone in the ground—too big and heavy for me to lift out by myself. I couldn’t get around the stone no matter how hard I tried. The sense of urgency for this well to be dug—for the sake of the thirsty, for my own sake too—grew heavy in my chest. I knew that I could not do this on my own. I needed help removing this obstacle. That’s when I sensed His voice saying to me, “Ask me to take it away.” Without hesitation, I asked the Father to take away the stone—to take away my fears, my doubts, my anxieties—and almost immediately, I felt light, unburdened, at peace, and free. And with that freedom came a joy that I could not contain that was bubbling up inside of me—a complete joy and a peace about staying in China that had been lacking for so long.

Not thirty minutes after this happened, I was approached by our City Team Coordinator who asked to talk to me about staying in Harbin next year. As I listened to him sharing his vision for our city—for his heart for these people and for the work that has been, is being, and will be done—the sense of joy grew until I could hardly contain myself. I was bursting at the seams with this desire that the Father had placed in my heart!

Ever since that day, the Father has been so gracious to confirm in me that staying in Harbin next year is, indeed, what He desires for me. It’s been scary at times, I’ll admit. After I returned home from conference, I faced my toughest fear and doubts yet when I told my family about the Father’s plans for me. All of the joy that I had felt up until that point began to fade as I truly realized how this decision would affect those closest to me. Before I knew what was happening, I found myself wanting to go back to America and hoping that He would change His mind about His plans for me. For weeks, I wrestled with this. But no matter how I rationalized the decision and made excuses about being able to be in America next year, I couldn't shake this feeling that staying in Harbin is His will for me. I feel like the Father finally brought me to a point where He was asking me, "Lauren, will you still do my will, even if it's not what you feel like doing right now?" It was one of the rare times that I felt my will and emotions clashing with His will because, usually, I feel like He communicates to me about His will by giving me a sense of peace and joy about the right decision. However, this time, I felt like He was asking for obedience FIRST before the joy would come back... and that's exactly what happened! I realized that I was being disobedient to Him in dragging my heels after so clearly hearing His voice, and when I finally sent in my commitment form, this wave of peace washed over me! He has been SO faithful in this experience, even when I have wavered. There aren’t enough words to describe the joy He's given me after stepping out in faith with Him, and I am excited to see what His plans are for the next year! Greater things are to be done!

If you’re still reading this massive post, bless you. And thank you. I hope that this has been encouraging and edifying. Together, let us throw off the fear and doubts that so easily entangle. Let us run our race with perseverance. Let us fix our eyes on the Son and follow Him—no matter where He leads us.

“Let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on the Son, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of the Father. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.”

"I want to ride my bicycle!"

I had been saying since we arrived in Chiang Mai that I wanted to go bicycling. I could just picture it: the breeze blowing in my hair, the sun shining down on my arms and legs and back, cruising around the city and countryside on a quaint little bicycle, complete with basket and bell. Sigh. Sounds wonderful, doesn’t it? Well, that’s not quite what reality looked like one Sunday when my teammates and I decided to go on a bike ride. Yes, there was breeze and sun, but I wouldn’t exactly call what we did “cruising,” and there was definitely no basket and bell… but there were kneepads, elbow pads, gloves, helmets, and gearshifts, if that gives you any idea.

I should have realized what was going to happen when I looked at the brochure, but somehow a “downhill 25 km ride with 4000 m altitude change” registered in my brain as “coasting downward at a peaceful speed on a slightly declined, smooth road.” Negative ghostrider. Big negative.

Things started to click into gear (pun intended) as I was bouncing along in the back of the tuk-tuk that was taking my teammates and I to the top of the mountain where our journey would begin. I was feeling a little carsick from the jostling and winding roads, which led me to think, “When will get out of this thing? We’ve been in here for a long time… sheesh, we’ve been in here for a REALLY long time! How tall is this mountain?” (Thus when the reality of “4000 plus meters” hit me.)

We got out at the top of the mountain, grateful to be standing outside… but our feet were not on solid ground for long. We were then given a bicycle and told to ride it around in a little clearing to get our bearings. That’s when I fully grasped Realization Number 2: this was not going to be a smooth ride at all. There were ruts and rocks and juts, which quickly turn bike riding from a leisurely activity to an extreme sport. Suddenly, I was very thankful for my excessive protective gear.

Then the actual ride began. We were off, sharing the same roads as passing cars for the first ten minutes or so until we got off the beaten path. I was grateful to be done squeezing past cars and a cliff, but then I was promptly reminded why cars would be crazy to drive on the path we were now on. I quickly learned the importance of using both brakes when going down a “hill” (which—Realization Number 3—was no “slight decline”). The farther we went, the more I thought, “Wait… I’M the crazy one! What in the world am I doing??” Needless to say, I was talking to the Father a LOT during that time! It was definitely a sanctifying experience.

After a few bumps in the road (literally) and several emergency dismounts, I started getting the hang of things. During those three hours, I slowly moved from “terrified” to “exhilarated,” thanks to the adrenaline rush, coupled with the absolutely gorgeous view… we passed banana and papaya groves, lush green valleys, and breathtaking views of the city below. Towards the end of the ride, I was so giddy (whether that’s because of adrenaline or because we were almost finished, I’m not entirely sure) that I began to sing Queen’s “Bicycle Race” at the top of my lungs (which, thanks to the bumpy road, sounded something more like “I-I-I wa-a-a-ant to-o ri-i-i-d-de m-my bi-i-i-i-i-cy-l-l-l-e-e-e-e!”)

At the end of the afternoon, my teammates and I counted our cuts and bruises and recounted our favorite moments from the ride. I have to admit, we felt very accomplished (and a little sore in our backsides.) Though it wasn’t the picturesque bike ride that I had envisioned, it was absolutely worth it. Let’s hope the rest of our Thailand adventures will be just as fun… but maybe a little easier on our sore muscles.

It's all in the details

Here's a truth about me: I love a good story. That's probably why I love history and museums so much... I love glimpses into the past, into the lives of real people. I love wondering, "What was your life like? Who were you?" So for me, our trip to the world famous Terra Cotta Warriors in Xi'an turned into much more than a regular sight-seeing excursion. The moment I heard the story of the Warriors--that there are over 8,000 of them, that none of them are exactly the same, and that for every warrior that was created, there was a craftsman killed--I was captivated.

Then, there's the detail that went into making each one of these warriors... down to wrinkles in the clothing, strands of hair, and even fingernails.






The creators of these statues put so much work and detail into them. It reminds me of David's psalm to his Creator and the promise that we can rest in today--that He knows us so much more intimately and precisely than even these artists knew their masterpieces:

"For You created my inmost being;
You knit me together in my mother's womb,
I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
Your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in Your book
before one of them came to be."

May we rest in this Truth and in the knowledge that this Creator is also the Author of our own stories... and He loves a good story, too.

Celebration

Hello friends! It's been a while, I know! (Who would have known that finals time is actually busier for teachers than it is for students?) While the past few months have definitely been packed to the brim with exams and grading, there have also been many causes for thanksgiving and celebration (which, let’s be honest, are what you’d rather hear about anyways!) Here’s a little update on the celebratory highlights from November and December:

In November, I was able to begin studying with three students with whom I am very close. What a blessing it was to witness Truth unfolding and taking root in their hearts right before my very eyes!

November also gave my team a lot of time for fellowship, from visiting another team in Siping (yeah Team Wu!) to celebrating Thanksgiving with our very own Harbin City team (an excellent excuse to make Mom's Dried Cherry and Sausage stuffing... which was a definite hit!) We filled ourselves with all the Thanksgiving faves: sweet potato casserole, macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, and even turkey!

The table

The turkey

The stuffin'

The decor

Happy people chowin' down

December brought around the perfect time to invite our students into our homes en masse via Christmas parties! We hosted rotating parties with a different activity in each teacher’s apartment. The students got to dress each other up like Christmas trees, learn about St. Nick, sing Christmas carols, watch a Christmas movie, and hear the real story of Christmas! It was an absolute blast, and it gave me a fresh reminder of how much I love these students! One of my journal entries from around that time reflects this feeling: “How is it possible to love these people so much? My heart is bursting!”

Love these girls!

Have you ever seen a cuter Christmas tree in your life?

This one's pretty great too!

Some students hanging out in my apartment, waiting to hear the Christmas story!

They loved the nativity!

Definitely the most significant celebration happened mid-December when two of the students I was studying with decided to become a Brother and Sister! Words cannot express how much joy this brought all of us (and how much glory it brought the Father!)

Christmas in Harbin was another time filled with gratitude. Truthfully, I had expected to be sad and homesick on Christmas Day, but instead, I was full of joy—truly joy-full! The Father was so faithful in providing for my teammates and I on that day. We were able to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with one of the other teams in the city, and together we devoured some Mexican food, watched several Christmas classics, and baked more Christmas cookies than the Keebler elves. Then, on Christmas Day, we came back to our school and had our own Christmas celebration with a breakfast-for-dinner feast and White Elephant game with Gary, our French teacher friend. Cap it all off with being Skyped into my family’s Christmas morning, and you have the recipe for the perfect Christmas celebration!

I had an additional time of personal celebration after Christmas when all of my grading was finally completed (thanks to the help of my wonderful teammates!) In the last part of December, I had over 300 papers to grade, along with 300 final exams… a daunting task, for sure. It would have been an impossible one, if not for my teammates who selflessly graded all of my final exams so that I could be freed up to grade my students papers. For someone who doesn’t like to ask for help from others, it was a humbling experience, but it also gave me a beautiful picture of what the Body is truly meant to be for one another!

Now all of my team is celebrating a season of much-needed rest. I’m writing this post from a hostel in Xi’an, home of the world-famous Terra-Cotta Warriors (which we visited today… pictures to follow in a later post!) Next up, we’ll be in the southern city of Guangzhou for a few days, and then we’ll be in sunny and—more importantly—warm Thailand for three weeks. I’m looking forward to time with my teammates, time with my parents (who are coming to visit in Thailand!), and time with the Father!

January and February will definitely look different from November and December, but one thing won’t change… and that’s the joy that living life with the Father provides us every day. No matter if I’m in the sub-zero temperatures of Harbin or the balmy climate of Chiang Mai, I am thankful that I can always celebrate that truth and promise.